Its a new day!!

Its been a crazy few months in my world and with all the ups and downs and blessings I am at this really interesting crossroads where I'm having to decide whats really next. my life as a chef has been a really interesting ride filled with cool jobs, amazing friendships and some really invaluable education but now i stand at the precipice of a new adventure and i have to say i am scared as hell!! In the coming weeks and months this is going to be my sounding board foe everything and at the end i feel like seeing the journey in words will be worthwhile.

Brilliant words by mrs. ruby dee!

Somebody

"I. I. I say I am. I say I am somebody.
Somebody because--because you--you make me--somebody,
Because--because you are part of
Because you--you share the--the Somebodiness of me.

"When you laugh, you make my lips a part of laughter.
When you cry, tension pulls me from inside.
When you are hungry, my food turns to poison, makes me burst
Bony fingers clutch my tongue when I--when I know your thirst
Because you are part of--because you--you share the
The Somebodiness of me.

"When I see your precious blood out of place, your bones exposed in death--
My blood chills and stops as I try to--try to--give you breath.
I must keep you from all--all fear and danger--
I must woo your peace of mind--
Help you--help you find joy--
Help you--help you find release
Because you are part of--because you--you share the
the Somebodiness of me.

"I cannot own that which you cannot also possess.
Your crime is mine, and from now on I'll confess
Because you are part of--because you share the
the Somebodiness of me.

"You--you--you are at the other end of the steel spring of hate,
So I cannot hate.
When you know my love--my love will warm you--
Cleansing, deep
So, let me--let me take your hand. Let me touch your fingers,
Feel your face. Know your heartbeat and all--all your doubts erase
Because you are part of--because you--you share the
the Somebodiness of me."

--Ruby Dee

Work From Home Friday!!

So today was a work from home Friday and every now and then i get in the mood for a nice breakfast so set the tome for the weekend. I pull out my Nana's china, take a little time to place a setting and make a meal that will take some time to prepare. This morning I had homemade corn muffins, bruleed grapefruit, old fashioned oatmeal with cinnamon,vanilla, maple brown sugar glaze, toasted almonds, and raisins. It was finished off with nice hot coffee and fresh squeezed orange juice. The meal was delicious but it was so much more about taking time out to treat myself well. The lesson is that its the little things that make a meal special whether it be the time taken out to prepare the mean or the extra effort to place a setting even if its just for yourself!

Where have all the good films gone?

I was watching Mr. Smith Goes To Washington today. It may be one of my favorite of Capra's films and what struck me was how complete his cinematic stories were. I was reminded about decency and goodness and how these ideal transcend race and circumstance an how with movies like this, and may others Capra put out, we are reminded how easy it is to change the world just by making small choices to do better and be better as people. How a small kindness or a good intention could be the difference between success and failure, happiness and misery, and how if we only just keep the simple ideal of goodness and decency in our spirits the rest of life would truly just fall in line. I love this film and more broadly what good films do for our souls!!!! If you haven't seen the film please check it out and the other Capra classics!

My Friend G......................

I was talking with a friend today about our worth as a women. The conversation started with a walk down memory lane remembering men we'd dated in college and I mused that it was sad that I couldn't remember the names of men that had meant something to me. We started talking about women and our attachment to men and G made a brilliant observation that as women we often times give of ourselves so freely that we forget what we need in return. She said its easier for a man to get a woman into bed than it is to buy a car and that its sad that we ask so little for ourselves.

The striking thing to me was how right she was. I think of myself as a smart woman and I value myself a great deal, but as I think about my relationship history I realize that I never tell the other person what I need. I mean i'm not sure you're suppose to present a list, but I never say so when i'm not getting it. I feel like i shouldn't have to ask, like if it's the right person what he gives me will be enough and when it's not I assume he's not the one and move on; but what if I asked? I mean what if in the failed relationships I've walked away from I'd just have said "look man, call me more often", or "i need us to go outside of the apartment more" or,"i hate that you dont tip enough" whould they have ended differently. We ladies always talk about lack of communication being the downfall of a relationship so perhaps thats what ive been guilty of.

At the heart of what G was saying was the woman though. I mean what she was saying was less about what we need from men and more not ofering what we have to give without thought of the value so I guess more important than telling my partner what I need I should value what I have to give more and ask that he earn it.

My mother!!

I am the child of Traci Michelle Adedeji. She is this amazonian powerhouse that commands whatever room she enters and presents her brilliance with an eire ease and grace so much so that my sisters and I have nicknamed her Traci DIVA. The name fits perfectly for all the reasons I've just described, but also because when she walks there is always a curious wind blowing her hair and clothes into perfect place and the sense that she hears her own music to amp up the steps her three inch heels lead her forward with. She's the woman who kept her last name once she got rid of the asshole she was married to mainly because it was a conversation piece (sort of in the vein of Tina Turner at the courthouse divorcing Ike). She's the woman who is just as at home in baggy sweat pants and uggs as she is in the middle of a night club in a mini skirt and heels running a sexy game night. She is phenomenal, and brilliant, and beautiful, and quite a role model to have, but it seems like my sisters and I divided up her genes because I didn't get any of that sass and divaness and it occurs to me that in this next phase of my life I need some of them.

I recognize confidence and ease with people as things one has to acquire on their own, its just that it seems so easy for my mother, to be the focus of attention and to be able to express herself so brilliantly while I get hot, and my face starts to literally burn, and my speech speeds up and starts to slur, and I feel my ulcer acting up, so it puts me in a pretty precarious place with a hell of a learning curve to contend with. I have confidence that i'll get it together in a hurry, because what she did give me was the smart ass, overthinking, passionate, fighter genes in spades, I just find it interesting how different you can be from your parents, and how much those differences become evident as you get older.

A moment to refelct!!

When I consider my life, I've had two great loves. With one man I was loved so hard and so purely, but I was too self loathing and naive to think anyone could love me that much so I discounted it as puppy love. With the other I loved too blindly and wasn't loved enough in return so in the end he couldn't trust me to deal with the hard times that were ahead of us.

I reflect on these facts because I sit hear years later, quite a different woman than when I knew either one of these men, wondering if I had any of it to do over again would I.

Its a pretty hard thing to sit at the end of a phase of your life unsure if you've chosen wisely. I will say that to be loved that beautifully even though it didn't last makes fathoming life alone or without that degree of passion pretty sad, so I guess what im really reflecting on is whats in store next because when it comes down to it i guess I can't go back and change anything I can only make good use of what I know. This next phase should definitely be interesting!!