My Friend G......................

I was talking with a friend today about our worth as a women. The conversation started with a walk down memory lane remembering men we'd dated in college and I mused that it was sad that I couldn't remember the names of men that had meant something to me. We started talking about women and our attachment to men and G made a brilliant observation that as women we often times give of ourselves so freely that we forget what we need in return. She said its easier for a man to get a woman into bed than it is to buy a car and that its sad that we ask so little for ourselves.

The striking thing to me was how right she was. I think of myself as a smart woman and I value myself a great deal, but as I think about my relationship history I realize that I never tell the other person what I need. I mean i'm not sure you're suppose to present a list, but I never say so when i'm not getting it. I feel like i shouldn't have to ask, like if it's the right person what he gives me will be enough and when it's not I assume he's not the one and move on; but what if I asked? I mean what if in the failed relationships I've walked away from I'd just have said "look man, call me more often", or "i need us to go outside of the apartment more" or,"i hate that you dont tip enough" whould they have ended differently. We ladies always talk about lack of communication being the downfall of a relationship so perhaps thats what ive been guilty of.

At the heart of what G was saying was the woman though. I mean what she was saying was less about what we need from men and more not ofering what we have to give without thought of the value so I guess more important than telling my partner what I need I should value what I have to give more and ask that he earn it.

My mother!!

I am the child of Traci Michelle Adedeji. She is this amazonian powerhouse that commands whatever room she enters and presents her brilliance with an eire ease and grace so much so that my sisters and I have nicknamed her Traci DIVA. The name fits perfectly for all the reasons I've just described, but also because when she walks there is always a curious wind blowing her hair and clothes into perfect place and the sense that she hears her own music to amp up the steps her three inch heels lead her forward with. She's the woman who kept her last name once she got rid of the asshole she was married to mainly because it was a conversation piece (sort of in the vein of Tina Turner at the courthouse divorcing Ike). She's the woman who is just as at home in baggy sweat pants and uggs as she is in the middle of a night club in a mini skirt and heels running a sexy game night. She is phenomenal, and brilliant, and beautiful, and quite a role model to have, but it seems like my sisters and I divided up her genes because I didn't get any of that sass and divaness and it occurs to me that in this next phase of my life I need some of them.

I recognize confidence and ease with people as things one has to acquire on their own, its just that it seems so easy for my mother, to be the focus of attention and to be able to express herself so brilliantly while I get hot, and my face starts to literally burn, and my speech speeds up and starts to slur, and I feel my ulcer acting up, so it puts me in a pretty precarious place with a hell of a learning curve to contend with. I have confidence that i'll get it together in a hurry, because what she did give me was the smart ass, overthinking, passionate, fighter genes in spades, I just find it interesting how different you can be from your parents, and how much those differences become evident as you get older.

A moment to refelct!!

When I consider my life, I've had two great loves. With one man I was loved so hard and so purely, but I was too self loathing and naive to think anyone could love me that much so I discounted it as puppy love. With the other I loved too blindly and wasn't loved enough in return so in the end he couldn't trust me to deal with the hard times that were ahead of us.

I reflect on these facts because I sit hear years later, quite a different woman than when I knew either one of these men, wondering if I had any of it to do over again would I.

Its a pretty hard thing to sit at the end of a phase of your life unsure if you've chosen wisely. I will say that to be loved that beautifully even though it didn't last makes fathoming life alone or without that degree of passion pretty sad, so I guess what im really reflecting on is whats in store next because when it comes down to it i guess I can't go back and change anything I can only make good use of what I know. This next phase should definitely be interesting!!

Just a thought.

With regard to the current state of dating as a 20 something I have to say that the whole idea has become a little bit of a chore. Forget about the crazy ratio of men to women, scratch the whole overworked under socialized aspect of our lives, forgo even the cliche "where do I even go to meet good people" argument, I'm talking about the actual discourse. It's exhausting.

Just a though. Why don't we all just rest our collective nerves and really be clear about: 1. who we are and 2. what we truly want. The knowing one's self is something that has to be done on your own time, before you even think about dating, but once you get that taken care of it’s onto really deciding honestly what you want. Don't be scared, there is someone out there for everyone.

If you want a random sexual partner there are plenty of women into that, if you want a casual date when the mood hits she's out there too, and if you are seriously looking for a partner there are more women out there than you can imagine that would be ideal. My point is just that if we all just start from a place of truth and of personal freedom to want what we want when we want it without apologies the likelihood of finding a match would be a lot higher and the whole dating prospect would be a lot less taxing.

Love this!!

I'm not sure if you all know this poem and I'm the lsat one to the e.e. Cummings party but i was watching a movie and it was recited and i fell in love!!! so here it is.........

i carry your heart with me
e.e.cummings

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud
of the bud and the sky of the sky
of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope
or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I was moved and I hope you are too!!!!!!!

A friend of mine wrote this beautiful piece about intrigue and I was moved by it becuse at its essence what he's saying is that we have to take the time to honor the million little things that make up the people in our lives. I think it's a brilliant point because its thoes things thoes qulities people offer to shae with us and thoes moments we share being affected by them that are the blessings God is bringing to our lives, so by not taking the time to honor them we are effectually blocking them. Please take a moment to read this and to let it youch you the way it did me and hopefully you are able to remember to honor your loved ones and yourself cus God knows its way to easy to forget!!!!!

Intrigue

By Rondell Clarkson

See…I love y'all. I do. I really, really do. I love to see you. I love to watch you. I love to listen to you-hold on, let me clarify. I love to listen to your insights, to listen to your feelings. You give everything-not just to me but in general. You always seem to lose sight of yourself-even when you don't realize it. Your hopes, dreams, and fears are always the same thing. Meaning, no thought is simple, it has sides, angles, posi-negs attached.

Wait, I'm tripping. Let's start at the beginning. Not the "beginning" but the beginning for me. I am admittedly and even notoriously shallow, so the curve of your cheeks, the shape of your lips, the glimmer of your eyes, the style of your hair, the shape of your chin and nose are huge. They grab me. Your neck holds me and pulls my vision down to neat shoulders, precious collarbones, and smooth, kissable upper chest area. The v of your cleavage like an arrow pointing down pulls my gaze to your…round, firm, soft, high, low, long-from 32A to 44DD doesn't matter as long as they are well-kept and neat.

The tummy, the waist, flat, pudgy, voluptuous-it's all good. You know how to show what you want and take attention away from it as well it's called style, grace…smooth. More important is that the hips which follow force the sides of the waist to curve out. I don't need an hourglass; I'll take a bottle of Hennessey. Proportion outdoes all the "t&a" anyone can be blessed with.

Thighs built to wrap around my waist or ears and made to withstand any and all punishment that I can and will put upon them. Calves, rock hard, shapely, defined…making me want to watch you dance.

The feet? Well, y'all saw "Boomerang", right? HAHAHA

But next comes the talking and listening. You never listen as much as you talk. And, of course, you bore me to death if your topics of conversation are always carry-overs from talk shows and magazines-especially about "pop-culture". I just know that there is so much more to you-I see it and so I seek it. Stimulate me with the "real you", the "you" underneath you, the pure side.

I love when you tell me about past relationships-with men or family and friends. You see, when you talk about things that have affected your feelings or your outlook on life, your become passionate, defensive, vulnerable…real. Your love is as potent as your pain. The good days equal the bad-that is what makes you so…you.

Now, since I am selfish, I'll talk about the other parts. You know, how your smile can bring out the sun. Also, how your frown can put me into a bottomless pit. Yeah, you can lift me up, motivate me…and just as easily pull me down and introvert me. The perfect analogy is a sexual one. You touch me, tease me, and get me rock hard, testosterone over the limit, pulsing, pounding, and adrenaline off the charts. Then, when you deem it necessary, you pull it all out of me, leaving me flaccid and weakened…and then you have the magic/power to get me right back up again—amazing.

You want to teach me how to love-to love like you do. I don't listen because I cannot. What distinguishes you from me is that you can love the way you do-hard, fast, unrelenting, unashamed, forceful, vengeful, spiritual…unconditional. I am not capable of love the way that you love. My attributes and gifts do not generally foster things like unconditional love. Do not misunderstand, for I want to love you the same way-you are more than deserving of that little bit. And, I will try…I will give everything that I can, but I will never be enough. My love will never match yours.

You are mother. Every aspect of your is compassion and nurturing. How easily do my eyes adjust to you? How easily do my ears recognize you? How easily you can get me to respond to you? Do you not realize that if I were capable of having this effect on you, that I too would have a womb?

We are capable of very different things; things that we desire but do not possess. I think this is why we are "attracted" to each other. Attraction is just the desire to possess what we are not capable of. By myself, I cannot walk into a room and have all eyes turn to me, love me and/or hate me just because of how I look. But I can open the door for you and let you step into the room before me. The eyes will turn to you and through you I will, too, feel those eyes, as you can become an extension of me and I of you.

Like I said in the beginning…I love you. There is so much to you…so much about you…so much around you.

Please, do not be offended if I cannot help but stare. Intrigue was a word made up for what is going on within me while I stare—I cannot explain it. There is just…"something"…that makes me stare. Other men understand. We cannot express what it is in words, so we say…we are intrigued. Know that you are beautiful, awesome and all other positive, and even most negative adjectives. You are so much all at once. You are…woman.

Perspective

Yeah, so I've been up most of the night. Insomnia is pretty bad these days. Anyhow I was up around 3am and found myself thinking about my life and what I'm doing with it. I guess it sort of boils down to perspective.

I have a tendency, every now and then, to misplace sight of the bigger picture. I confuse the work in process facets of my life with the ones that are on track and get consumed with over thinking instead of living.

In perspective I'm blessed and should be perfectly happy. In the recesses of my mind, at 3am, my job, my love life, my focus is all screwed up.

I always assumed that if I took care of the things I could control, or at least made preparation for, the other, uncontrollable things would fall into place. I go to college, prepare for a career, eventually, with hard work I'll end up where I want. I have a firm grasp on who I am as a person, a woman, a partner and the type of relationship I want so I date, meet and spend time with different people, set expectation and really know what I need to be happy, eventually god will send me the man of my life.

It's all well and good to know these things but what do you do in those 3am moments when doubt and fear creep in. I guess it all comes back to perspective. It's a funny things perspective. It relies so closely on a fixed point. My fixed point has always been the end result, what I want the sum of my life to be. I measure where I am at any point against where I want to end up. So I suppose to answer my question is that at 3am when doubt creeps in I stop thinking, I take my tail to sleep, and when I wake up remember the bigger picture and reset my perspective.